Saturday, November 30, 2013

10 months old in 2 days

Every day we have more and more fun with her! She is developing quite the personality and is such a happy baby. She pulls up on everything. She will also walk around whatever she is holding onto. She has gotten brave a couple of times and let go but no unassisted walking yet. She is such a good eater. She loves banana, pear, apple, mango, peaches, cauliflower, broccoli, avocado and butternut squash. She tolerates green beans but is not a fan of green peas. She has yet to try any brown rice cereal. She still LOVES to nurse and I love it too. I call her my little nursing queen:) She would stay attached all day if I would let her. One of her favorite things is when I let her have both sides and she will go back and forth and gets so excited. For the longest time she was satisfied with one side but now she wants both every time she nurses. Things she "says" or we think she has said:)...ball, book, hi and she lifts her hand to wave and Dada. She has not said Momma yet. She is wearing 9-12 month clothing and just last week I bought her size 3 diapers. She can still wear 2's but the brand I wanted didn't have them in stock so I went up a size. She is on a pretty tight schedule in terms of napping and bedtime. She wakes usually between 6:30-7:30 and nurses. She eats breakfast around 8 and plays. Her first nap is around 9 and she will usually sleep between 1.5-2 hours. She wakes up and nurses when I am with her. She will have a bottle and lunch when Mika or my parents have her. She takes her afternoon nap between 1:30-2:30 and will sleep on average 1-2 hours. Bedtime is at 7. She has only slept through the night a handful of times but when she wakes she will nurse and go back down. She does best when she is at home in her own bed. Some of my favorite times spent with her are right after she nurses in the morning and she will start talking to Alan and I. I love my morning snuggles. She is a Momma's girl. Period. And I love it:) She does love her Daddy too! I fall in love a little more each day:)

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Kayman 9 months Old

I am terrible at keeping up with all of Kayman's milestones. I will have to figure out when she started doing everything but here is what she is doing now. She crawls and pull up on any and everything. She loves opening drawers. She has said Dada and babbles all of the time. She loves to nurse. I mean LOVES to nurse. She would stay attached all day if I would let her. She is currently eating spaghetti squash, avocado and sweet peas. She is not a big fan of the avocado and peas. Did I mention she LOVES to nurse?:) She give kisses to pretty much anyone. I know she is wrapping Alan around her pinky a little tighter each kiss:) She doesn't sleep all night yet...back to that nursing thing:) She will look around when I ask her "Where is your sister (Avery)? and where is your Daddy until she finds them? She is not a fan of getting adjusted by me yet but she does good when Scott Farley does it. She is more interested in things that are not toys than her toys right now. She does great in the car thankfully because there was a point in time where she hated being in her car seat. I could keep going on and on but I need to pump before she wakes up.

Perspective

3 days ago we had family/Kayman’s 9 month pics scheduled for 8am. I was determined to have all of our outfits coordinated way in advance since I have waited until the last minute for all of our other sessions, so several weeks ago I bought Kayman’s outfit. What I didn’t do was make sure it fit. I set it out a couple days before and asked Mika to try it on her since she wasn’t having it before I left for work. Of course it was too big. Needless to say I went back to square one and started hitting every store to find something. I laid everything out, including Avery’s new collar:) the night before trying to make the morning of as seamless as possible. We got out the door in time (rarely happens with me in tow) and we were ready. “We” as in Alan and I...Kayman didn’t get the memo that family pictures is a time we should smile and act like we are enjoying ourselves. Lately she has been very clingy to me, so Alan and I planned that when our photographer was taking pics of her by herself I would leave the area and let him help because if she sees me she wants to be held. We did the family portion first and she didn’t smile once, but she also didn’t cry. Then came time for her to be solo. Whoa Nelly...she was pissed! She screamed and then she screamed some more and that was a wrap. I wasn’t a happy camper either at that point. We get in the car and I am all “FML.” Alan, my rational better half, is saying at least we have a baby that we can take family pics with and it is not that big of a deal. Of course I know he is right but I decide to pout and be negative Nancy for awhile. I know I am over reacting. And so does Alan and my Mom when I called her to tell her Kayman didn’t smile once. And then I read this post by another Mom on FB: “We've been home for two weeks now but it hasn't felt like it because of all the clinic appointments. I pretty much melted down Tuesday night by bedtime. Between three CMH appointments in 6 days and the stress of an impending MRI, I was done for. Thankfully we Adele got good results back on her MRI. Everything was stable, her primary tumor measured .1 cm smaller but tumors are considered stable unless they have a certain percentage of growth or shrinking. The lesions on her spine haven't changed. The best news was that the enhancement of her primary tumor has greatly decreased. A tumor enhances or shows up more on an MRI when it has lots of blood flow. As that blood flow decreases, the tumor is less active or even dying and it enhances less. Her doctors are very hesitant to say her tumor is dead but they have said it could be. We met with the radiation oncologist and thankfully didn't learn anything new. When we met with the transplant doc it was like a horror movie, bad statistics chased by scary side effects. All kinds of new information that we hadn't thought about before. I really expected the radiation meeting to go the same. The radiation oncologist was amazing. She clearly had read Adele's files, she knew all of her history, she even knew the big kids names and ages. Peter had to work so I put the phone on speaker and she even moved the phone closer to her so Peter could hear better. She told us all the same things, that spinal radiation could affect her spine bone growth, she will definitely have cognitive issues, she could have thyroid or pituitary gland issues, and she might continue to have low blood counts. We know from past experience that Adele has exceeded all expectations so we hope and pray that the radiation fallout will be minimal. Kids under 3 can only get a certain dose of radiation, kids over 3 get a higher dose, one concern is that the lower dose isn't as effective as the higher dose. The radiation doc did say there isn't any statistics to really show one way or the other the difference in the higher dose vs. the lower dose. She will get radiation every day for about 6 weeks. We requested the OKC proton radiation center to get the more specifically targeted radiation vs. the more spread out standard radiation. We now wait to hear from her doctor that the OKC center has accepted Adele and a start date. We anticipate starting in a week or so. She will get complete brain and spine radiation as well as extra boosts of radiation to her primary tumor site. The radiation center will make a special mask that molds to her head to keep it in exactly the same position every time. She has to be sedated every time so that she stays still. So she will be sedated 5 days a week for 6 weeks. The actual radiation only takes a few minutes but the set up and sedation will take an hour or two. We don't know yet where we will stay in OKC, I did ask the CMH social worker to check out options for us. Everything has always worked itself out, I have faith that this will work out as well. I was pretty terrified that we would get bad MRI results, I'm so thankful that they were good. I get so much hope from all of you and your positivity. Thank you. Adele does need a platelet transfusion tomorrow, she gets lab work drawn twice a week to keep track of her blood counts. She will go to Wesley hospital here in Wichita for the transfusion. I can't even remember the exact count but Adele has had between 30 and 40 transfusions of red blood cells and/or platelets. We would like to have a blood drive in honor of Adele at some point because we are so thankful to everyone who donates blood. Please pray that Adele continues to do well, that her appetite continues to improve and that radiation is the final one two punch we need to knock this cancer out for good. Fr. Kapaun, pray for Adele. Immaculate Heart of Mary pray for Adele.” I made a big deal about Kayman not smiling at family pics. Not my most proud parenting moment. This is a story I have been following for some time. This sweet girl is a best friend of mine’s friend’s daughter from her hometown. I read this post to Alan this morning and I asked, “Can you imagine?” I can’t and I pray to God we never have to know what these parents and this sweet innocent child is having to endure along with the many other families facing similar struggles. My Mom knows exactly what this family is going through and I know there is not a day that goes by that she doesn’t think about her sweet baby girl she lost 37 years ago. That is a big dose of putting things in perspective. That is the last time I will complain about family pics not going as planned. Thank you God for our healthy and happy baby girl.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Our Birth Story

This was our birth story I wrote soon after Kayman was born. I thought I would post to my blog that I am determined to tend to on a regular basis:) Our Birth Story To preface, this will be lengthy considering our labor was much longer than I ever anticipated. On Thursday, January 31, one day after our “due date,” I began having contractions at work when I returned from lunch. I ate a Wendy’s cheeseburger and fries fyi. I was timing them and they were coming every 10-15 minutes or so. I had actually forgotten I had timed them until I was looking at a notepad from work randomly after she was born and saw all of the times written down. I was thinking it might be the real deal, but wasn’t completely sure. They were definitely strong enough to get my attention but I continued to work. I just knew I was not leaving work early because we were having a record week and I was bound and determined to finish strong since it was going to be my last day before maternity leave regardless of when she decided to make her debut. At one point I was walking by my office manager, Mika, and she looked at me and said, “I think we are going to have a baby tomorrow morning.” I wish she would have been right:) After work, I went home and did a prenatal yoga session with Celeste McNeal. I informed her about what I had been experiencing and she cautioned that women can do that and to not get overly anxious. During the session, I only had 2 contractions so I was thinking it was false labor earlier in the day. After she left, Alan and I decided to go to Red Lobster for a late dinner since it was already 9pm. Random since we have never eaten at Red Lobster:) As we were walking in, I had a pretty strong contraction. It was to the point I went directly into the bathroom before we were seated to wait it out. We ate and as we were leaving I had another one. Again, it was pretty strong. We went to bed around 11:30. I began having them at the same pace as earlier in the day. Alan, trying to be helpful, kindly reminded me that I should rest in between contractions. I might have snapped at him a little since it was difficult to rest when they were as strong as they were. Needless to say, Alan was able to get some sleep that night and I was up dealing with the contractions. Thankfully he did get sleep since we had 2 nights like that. I sent Sarah, our Doula, a text at 1:04 am informing her my contractions were 10-12 min. apart and EVERY contraction I urinated. Weird, but I guess it’s not uncommon. She didn’t respond until 6:28am which was my fault since I should have called, but I didn’t think it was too urgent at that point or I would have called. She said “Don’t try and ‘do’ everything right, just ‘be’ present and listen to what your body is telling you. Relax your forehead, your jaw and your shoulders. When you release those parts the rest of your body will follow. Your baby’s birthday is today!!” I wish she would have been right:) I took a bath around 7 am, per Sarah’s recommendation, and listened to the hypnobirthing birth affirmations. It was very relaxing. Did I mention Alan was still sleeping?:) I got back in bed and relaxed in between contractions. Alan and I listened to a hypnobirthing cd together mid morning and I really think it hypnotized me because I was out for about an hour, yet it seemed like I had slept for 12 hours. I have no idea if I was having contractions or not. At the time, it was exactly what my body needed since I didn’t sleep the night before. The contractions continued throughout the day. It seemed like they would be consistent and then slow down. Sarah came by mid afternoon to check on us. She recommended that since we had been laboring at home all day, we should get out of the house and walk. I should mention I was scheduled to meet with Dr. Donnelly, my OB, at 11:30am but we cancelled the appointment for obvious reasons. I spoke with Dawn, her nurse and they continued to monitor my progress throughout the day. I was aware that Dr. Donnelly would only be available until 5pm to deliver me and then Dr. Lauralee Ribaudo MD would be on call over the weekend. Back to the labor, Alan and I got in the car and went to Starbucks. Right when we walked in, I had another strong contraction. Again, I immediately went to the bathroom to breathe through it. We then went to Promenade mall to walk. I wanted to find another robe so I would have 2 at the hospital just in case. I honestly don’t know how long we were at the mall, but my contractions were strong. I’m sure I received a few stares. We were in Macy’s when a sales associate asked me when I was due. Yesterday actually:) She really encouraged me to have the natural childbirth and told me she was sure it was going to be a wonderful experience. She was a very nice lady. We found a robe ...and it was on sale:) We went home and things were progressing at the same pace...slower than I wanted!! We got in bed that night but it didn’t last long for me because lying on my side made the pain almost unbearable so I was up trying different positions to make myself more comfortable. Up until this point, Alan was being a wonderful support to me but it was about midnight-1am when he took it to a different level. I was sitting on a stool leaning over the bed when I had a meltdown. Alan got out of bed and took it upon himself to get what I like to call my “Hugh Hefner chair,” pillows, a cold rag and had me sit in it while he was behind me massaging me. He could not have chosen a better time to take charge as I was struggling and was getting frustrated due to discomfort and lack of sleep. Also, I had no idea a cold rag would feel as comforting to me as it did. So much so I took it with me to the hospital and put it up to my face during every contraction so I could breathe in the cool air from it. I bet Alan and Sarah collectively made it colder for me no less than 50 times:) It was almost like a “security blanket” for me as weird as that sounds. Sarah came over to our house around 3am. We walked the house for awhile. At around 4:30am, she decided it might be best if we transport. She said I was a “quiet laborer” and was not exactly sure where I was in the process. I bet she changed her mind about me being quiet about 9cm dilated:) We arrived at the hospital at 5am. We checked in and they sent us to triage. I got changed and “checked.” I was 6-7cm dilated and 90% effaced from what I remember. I was actually encouraged with that progress and was thinking she would be here soon. As expected and taught in our Bradley class, labor typically slows down when you transport to the hospital and this is exactly what happened. Once we were settled in our room, we started walking the halls, which helped it start back up again. Sarah suggested we change positions every 30 or so minutes so I went from sitting on the bed indian style, to sitting on the birthing ball, to walking, etc. My friend, Bre Batey, came in to adjust me and work on acupressure points. I was grateful she was so patient since she lives out of town and was not expecting to hang around as long as she did. She drove in Friday. Chiropractic is such an important part of our lives and it was comforting to get adjusted at such a life changing event. One thing I did that I wasn’t planning on doing as frequently as I did was allow vaginal checks. At first I was encouraged, but then I started getting frustrated when I was stuck at an 8cm for what seemed like forever. Looking back I wonder if I was mentally stuck which was causing me to be physically stuck. I remember at one point going into the bathroom alone and just breaking down. I was tired but I also had fear. I’m not sure what exactly it was I was fearing. I will presume the unknown. Dr. Ribaudo came in and suggested we break my water. She thought that would help things progress faster. I asked if we could have a minute to discuss it. The 3 of us talked about it. Sarah said that it would be more intense since the contractions would be closer together but as far as intensity, they would not be more intense than I had been handling. I agreed to letting her break my water. Before they did I told Alan to go and see if my Mom wanted to come see me before things progressed. He went out there and told her she could come in, but I guess he also told her I was in “distress” and she declined. It was probably a good thing because I know she would not have wanted to see me in pain. The apparatus used to break the water is much more intimidating and misleading as I felt zero pain, but talk about a gush! All would have been ok but little Miss K decided to poo in the womb as there was meconium in the fluid. This meant that NICU would have to be present at the birth in case she were to aspirate any of the fluid. The contractions became closer and closer together and were becoming more difficult to bear. Sarah suggested I sit on the toilet and bear down. I will spare you the details but in all honesty, at that point I really didn’t care much about anything. I remember learning and reading about losing all modesty. It could not have been more true. I just started stripping down. I didn’t even want my headphones on anymore. As a side note, up until this point, I had been listening to not only hypnobirthing cds, but Celine Dion, who I admit I am obsessed with and one Whitney Houston song that I downloaded during labor, “One Moment in Time.” I know it’s cheesy but I was in bed one night way before she was born and I heard that song. The lyrics say, “Give me one moment in time, where I am more than I thought I could be...” It resonated with me and it was helpful to me during labor. Back to where I was...Sarah also suggested I force myself to vomit, which I did. After the bathroom timeout, we moved back to the bed where I was on all fours leaning over the top of the elevated bed. At this point, rather than breathing through the contractions, I was just bearing down. I remember Sarah asking if I felt her and I really wasn’t sure. And then I really did feel her and knew exactly what I was supposed to feel. It felt like she was right there, but then she went back up. I started vomiting again in this position but it was spontaneous. Sarah asked Sherri if they had a birthing bar for the bed, which they did. They set it up and I had all my weight hanging from it and squatting. I thought that was how I was going to give birth but Sherri came in and told me I had to lay on my side as they had lost her heartbeat. It was quickly found. I told Sherri not to scare me like that. It was on my side I felt her again and I knew she would be there soon. They called Dr. Ribaudo and by the time she got in the room she was crowning. I was on my right side holding onto the railing of the bed with my left leg pushing against the bar and Dr. Ribaudo had my right leg. I felt her head come out. They said it was 45 seconds before the rest of her came out as she had shoulder dystocia. I felt Dr. Ribaudo “go in” after her and I remember hearing them say something to the effect of you have to push and get her out. And so I did:) 41 hours after labor started, she was here on February 2, 2013 at 4:35 pm!! What a blur! They immediately put her on my chest...best feeling in the world. I told her...”we did it.” It’s easy to think I was the only one laboring but she was too that whole time. I asked Alan where he was during the whole process as he does not like the site of blood. He said he was leaning over my head talking in my ear during all of the pushing. I honestly don’t remember. He also told me the NICU Dr. on call was ready to cut the cord immediately and take her but Alan told him no and to put her on my chest as we were waiting for the cord to stop pulsating. I’m so proud of him for saying that because I had no idea what was going on. I don’t know how long it was before the cord stopped but he said Dr. Ribaudo showed him it had stopped and let him cut it. They did end up taking her from me because her body temp was too low. Hindsight, I wish I would not have let them because she needed to be skin to skin with me but in the moment that is what happened. Alan was with her. One of the nurses said, “did you hear what she weighed Mom?” I said “no” and she told me 8.2 lbs. That explained a lot!:) I was shocked she was that big!! Dr. Donnelly was guessing around a 6-7 lb baby since I had only gained 15lbs. She was a little chunk and was 21” long and she was perfect! True to fashion, she was stubborn and born during the KU/OSU game. Oh the irony:) Alan was with her while they were doing her footprints, etc and he pulls out his phone to check the score and casually brings his phone over to me to show me his Pokes are winning with 1:35 left. I tell him to turn the tv on. My legs are still in stirrups. A nurse in the room said, “You really are a fan.” Yes I am:) The whole series of events was surreal and I as reflect, it is still surreal I am one stubborn person and I knew I wanted to do it all natural. I “preach” a lot in my practice and even outside of my practice about the potential dangers of all of the interventions that I believe are abused and can cause more complications. Thankfully we have the interventions we do for an emergency situation and I would never have hesitated to utilize them if Kayman or myself would have ever been in danger. We were blessed to have a healthy delivery and with an amazing support system, the power of prayer and sheer determination, we did it 100% natural. As a woman, I have never felt more empowered. It was such an exhilarating feeling the minute I saw her for the first time. I am also thankful I was able to endure the process as it was so much better for Kayman. She didn’t have to feel the effects of any drugs and we believe she was more alert because of it. Alan actually asked a nursery nurse if she noticed a difference with natural births v. births with pain meds and she said definitely yes and the babies are more alert. She was adjusted within the first hour after birth by Bre. I can’t think of a better way to start out her new life. It sure beats the hep b vaccine! Chiropractic will be such an integral part of how she is raised and I felt so thankful Bre stayed to give her first adjustment. Our baby was wide eyed right in the middle of the night her first night too:) We kept her in our room the entire stay, which was only 24 hours after she was born, and when they took her to the nursery, Alan was by her side. We actually got more sleep the night she was born compared to the previous 2 nights:) Before we got pregnant, we discussed whether or not we would like to do a home, hospital or birth center birth. Alan was adamant we were in the hospital to deliver. I was torn for various reasons. One is we go against the grain on a lot of things that are standard practice. It’s not that we want to be defiant, but rather we have educated ourselves on a number of things pertaining to the birth process and beyond. I didn’t want to be on the defensive in the hospital setting. Overall, I can say we had such a positive experience with all of the hospital staff. They really adhered to our birth plan and let us be an integral part in making decisions. They were very respectful of our choice to birth naturally and supported us in any way that they could and for that we are so thankful. We are also thankful for the support Sarah provided. We both knew that regardless of where we decided to deliver, we would hire a doula. Sarah was the first and only person we met with, even though we had planned to meet several and then decide. We both felt very comfortable with her at our initial meeting and knew she would be the perfect fit for us. I do not think I would have been able to hold out without her presence and I know Alan agrees. She has attended many births and knows what to do. Us on the other hand have not and because it is such an intense and at times an overwhelming environment I might have caved. She not only supported me, but she was a great support for Alan as well. Whether it was words of encouragement during and before labor, getting me apple, orange or grape juice, making my washcloth cold, being there so Alan could step out for a minute, and taking all of the pictures that we will forever cherish, we both owe her a huge thank you. The hospital staff also sang her praises. After about 45 minutes or so, our parents came back to meet her. There were some proud grandparents in the room!:) They had been waiting all day for her to arrive. Soon after Aunt Heather, Uncle Jake and Stephanie were there. Uncle Josh came after we moved to our postpartum room. Her cousin Hadlea and other friends and family visited on Sunday. There is no doubt Kayman was surrounded by love. No one could have ever prepared me for the amount of love I would feel for our sweet Kayman. I was recently listening to a Celine song that I had listened to literally hundreds of times before but the lyrics of this song all of a sudden had more meaning. “And I know, there is no other, love like a mother’s love for her child.” Words could not be more true.

Kayman 7 months old

Kayman turned 7 months while we were on vacation last week. Her personality develops more and more everyday and we fall more and more in love with her everyday. It is crazy to me how much I love her. She has not quite gotten crawling down on her knees but when she wants something, there isn't anything that will get in her way to get there. If it Momma's milk she wants, she will crawl up me and start pulling at my shirt. So what if she wants to nurse until she is 10:) HA In all seriousness, she really is a boob baby. There really is no other way to describe it. On our flight yesterday, we were in the air 4 hours. She was attached a good 3.5 hrs. She is a Momma's girl right now and I LOVE IT! She is not yet sleeping thru the night. She has started eating solids and gets excited when she sees us getting her food ready. She hates having her face wiped after she eats though. She loves her outdoor swing. Gpa and Gma have one at their house too and that is my Dad's favorite thing to do with her. She is such a happy baby. She is also spoiled rotten. I said it, she is rotten but I am ok with it:) I'm going to sleep. The club specials I drank last night (& wine) were not as special this morning.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I am a MOM!

It has been 5 1/2 months since we were blessed with our our little peanut, Kayman Alana Kilian. I always think, I should really be documenting this journey and yet I never sit down to do it. Clearly, since my last post was over 2 years ago I am not good with being consistent so here is to a new start. Don't get your hopes up. No one could have ever prepared my heart for the love I would have for our sweet girl. I am loving every minute of it...minus a few (more than a few) sleepless nights:) What can I say, she loves the boob. Period. She would be attached all hours of the day if she could be. She is now at this point where she will nurse, pull away and give me the biggest smile and then attach again without losing eye contact. I am definitely getting manipulated. She has also started doing this fake cry when I walk in the room and she sees me. She can be perfectly happy with whoever has her but the second she spots me the act is on. A few of the things she is doing now: She is sitting up by herself. She sat up in her bath tub tonight for the first time. She loves cuddling with us. She loves watching Avery's every move and Ave has been so protective of her. She is scooting backward when she is doing tummy time. She loves her saucer. One of the toys on it plays a song that says, "Red, Yellow and Blue" Alan will sing "Red, Yellow and Orange and Black." That is fine because when she plays with one of her chew toys with all of the different colors on it, we go over all of the colors and when we get to blue, we say "pretty" and when we get to orange we say "ugly." Mature parents we are:) Some days she likes going on walks and some days she lets you know strapping her in the stroller was not your best idea of the day. Knock on wood, she has started getting in her carseat with no issues. BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT! She loves the water. She has found her voice. She will be sitting there and just scream and loves seeing herself in the mirror. It's especially cute when she does a happy scream at 4am:) She chews on everything. Teeth soon??? I am sure I could keep going on and on but I am instead going to bed before someone wakes me up for her first feeding of the night.